I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
