Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
