Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
