you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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