Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
