Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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