Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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