The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
