Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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