I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Boobs are out for the taking
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
