im drinking this country out of the recession.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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