I feel like abortions should bother me more
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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