oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
