dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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