Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Even my vagina gasped.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
is that a dick in a sweater?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
