I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
