In the future we'll all be gay
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
