Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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