i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
