The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
