Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
