3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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