I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
