this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
