Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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