We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
ttyl tear gas
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
