Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
