I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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