glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize