I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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