the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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