ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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