so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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