DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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