he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize