I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
