hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just high enough for therapy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
