If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
