is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
