And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
