Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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