Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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