i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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