Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
