So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
