i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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