a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
