guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
