I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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