He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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