Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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