How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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