Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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