I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
