I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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