I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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