hotel room ftw
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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