i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
