you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
