Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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