My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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